4/17/2024 0 Comments Dallas cowboy roster 2018“Maybe Randy Gregory will turn his life around for us.” “Maybe Rolando McClain will turn his life around for us.” “Maybe Greg Hardy will turn his life around for us.” ![]() “Maybe Pacman Jones will turn his life around for us.” He tried to stand for the anthem himself and failed.Ī brief list of things I’ve said with a straight face in defense of my beloved Cowboys: ![]() He took a knee BEFORE a game last year in an attempt to look compassionate (and to sleazily pre-empt any mid-song protest) and failed. He tried to impose his own anthem policy on his team and failed. He tried to get Roger Goodell ousted, failed, and got fined $2 million in the process. Jerry cannot live if he is not the sun around which all earthly garbage must orbit. He’ll just ride in, loaded up on Johnnie Walker, and then he’ll take a steaming dump to mark his territory. Like the NFL itself, there is no PR crisis that Jerry Jones cannot make worse by barging in with his bad taste, his wooden fangs, and his wrinkly hard-on. If you had to sketch out a worst-case scenario for America upon its founding, Jerry Jones would pretty much be it: a sentient tongue with everyone else’s money to burn. What has always sucked: It’s genuinely amazing that the #MeToo movement got Foghorn Leghorn out of the paint in Carolina, but somehow the Viagra-addled boa constrictor who presides over the Cowboys still remains tightly wrapped around the entire league. That guy catches one slant route and suddenly every girl in fringe boots at the stadium is like COWL BEASLEY CAIN HAVE MAH BAYBAY! Cole Beasley is still around and I hate him. Jason Witten retired and his replacement is something called Geoff Swaim. Here’s Allen Hurns, who had one good year with Blake Bortles before reverting back to being a dude named Allen Hurns. Here’s Tavon Austin, who is good for one 60-yard reverse in garbage time twice a year. They’re gonna start Terrance Williams, man! Terrance Williams can’t even keep his CAR in bounds. The problem is that the Cowboys made virtually no effort to replace him with anyone useful. What’s new that sucks: Dez is gone and burned every last bridge on the way out, which is fine because he’s been overrated for the past three years. Cooper Rush is a guy with frosted tips and Pennzoil-branded polo shirt who ejaculates pure Donkey Sauce. That is the most Dallas name I’ve ever heard. ![]() Behind Dak is something called Cooper Rush.
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